Humor: Advertisements

I like to watch commercials as some of them are pretty funny, but some are so bad that I cannot understand how they are allowed to be viewed. A particular pet-peeve of mine is the Reebok ad that makes the claim that if you wear their shoe, your butt will develop into a perfect, tiny little thing that will make men drool and women hate you. An update of that ad is saying it will also do wonders for your bust line – these are some talented shoes.

Of course, being 85 pounds overweight, I want those shoes, never mind that my butt could not be fixed with a hack-saw let alone a pair of tennis shoes. Being overweight, my bust line does not need help (except for the gravity problem that causes sagging), so I wonder if the shoes can be adjusted to "butt only" shoes. I haven't noticed any disclaimers like "this is a model, stupid, and won't work on you;" so I am saving my money and it looks like 2010 will be my year. I have not had a perfect butt since 1943 when I came into this world, so I am very excited about the new me at 67 years old.

When reality sets in and there is nothing left for me but the drug ads; I think, "is that really all I have left to my life?" There are more ads for drugs to clear my veins, to help me breathe, keep my bones from crumbling, and stop my painful joints; the side effects are worse than the cure, some of which include blindness and death (yet another government plot to get rid of the aged on Social Security).

There are the ads with people trying to outrun a hospital bed that follows them everywhere, only to find themselves at the scooter store because they can no longer outrun that nasty bed. Oh, then don't forget the ads for term life so that you can be buried without burdening your family; and just in case you don't die today, you can join a retirement community that has fun stuff to do. Joining a retirement community depends whether you have any cash left after paying for all your pills and whether any of your body parts are still able to move. If your parts still work, do not take the exercise classes; I tried to touch my toes and my angry, saggy breasts almost strangled me.

Of course TV being all about beauty, it has thousands of makeup and hair ads which I avoid like the plague. There is nothing they can do for my hair which is now in the state of “thin gray frizz;” the soft skin creams and the makeup – well, what’s the point? I have no eyelashes (I really have no idea where they went) and if I tried to soften my skin, no one could tell because of the overlapping wrinkles, pouches and bags. I tried to cover it up with makeup and you don’t even want to hear about that – I still have nightmares! Perfume ads are still viable for us old folks, it covers the "old, almost dead" smell that no amount of soap will get rid of.

I absolutely hate car ads, mostly because they are all geared to youth, speeding, and partying; none of which I am able to do because I can't stay awake long enough. At least I don't need the sleep-aids and should the Lyrica butterfly come in my room, the can of Raid will come out. There was a time when I would have purchased a Bow-flex or a Nautilus Tread-climber, but thank goodness I could not afford either because now I can simply purchase a pair of Reebok's and have the body of a model - in my dreams at least.