Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Humor: Plus-Sized Clothes

Plus size is that "other spot" in the Women's clothing section. Back in the day when I was a slim and trim size 10, I would happen to walk through that section and have pity on the women who would have to wear these "tents." I thought I would never let myself go like them and would starve myself to death if I ever got to be a 14. Then I started having kids - I managed keep my trim figure until having my 5th child at age 39. I am not sure who to blame for that, but I often glare at my husband with extreme distaste. It seems that after age 39 your metabolism retires to a sedentary state and no matter how hard you try to diet, the metabolism will not get off its duff and do its job. So here I am, losing 3 pounds and gaining 5 every time I try to diet.

A two-pound addition twice a year adds up to 54 more pounds during my last 27 years. Then there are the holiday pounds which are impossible to lose, I am now a tub of lard at 200 pounds and on top of that my 5'4" height has shrunk to 5'2". Alas, I have become an over-sized beach ball with nothing to wear but tents. I am one of the ones that the young, cute, tiny girls pity; even though I know that nature will get them in the end, I will not be comforted.

The thing I hate most about shopping for clothes is that somewhere in China little people make these tents without taking our build into consideration. Of course the only thing they have to compare with is maybe one of their larger men, as no one over there weighs over 125 pounds. When I find a blouse it may not be very attractive, but it does go around my belly so that is a plus; I can get pretty excited and some times have been known to by two or three of the same blouse. I do like long sleeves, but the seamstresses automatically assume that because plus sizes are so big, our arms have grown to the size of an orangutan. I have to hem all the sleeves because they hang down way over my fingertips.

Oh, yes, then there are the pants. Has anyone tried to find an 18 petite? How can a size 18 be petite? More than likely it is because our legs shrunk with all that extra weight on them. No, we did not get taller because we gained weight. I buy the pants, which have an elastic waist, take them home and hem them. They look nice except that one leg is usually a bit longer than the other; a seamstress, I am not! Since they have an elastic waist, the waistline tends to slip down to my lower hips (if I still have them) as I walk. Soon my pant legs are well under my feet and if I had a floppy hat, I would be mistaken for Disney's Dopey - only fatter.

Life is totally unfair for us plus sizes; especially when we finally find a nice outfit that makes us feel good and possibly even a little slimmer. A night out with the girls is in order (these are my plus-sized friends). I know, let's take a group picture! There I am "miss imaginary slim" and her (ohh nooo) slimmer-looking friends. My husband knows better than to look at me, talk to me, or even be in the same room with me when I get home.

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